Cry baby, cry.

I have had more cries over the past few months than I have had in years.

Good cries, sad cries….just a lot of tears.

I guess I wasn’t nicknamed crybaby for nothing when I was younger. At fifty, I seem do just do it more.

What am I crying about? That is a loaded question.

Loosing a job I loved. Realizing I am more than my job and now having to find myself again.

Having a hard time finding job. Having a hard time finding me. I know I am not my job, but I am also not earning income, contributing to the family, contributing to the world around me.

We are all on screens more than I would like, including me.

I miss people, interactions, traveling to visit people.

As much as I appreciate the point of wearing masks, and always will when I visit businesses, and will always respect others who do as well, I miss seeing people’s smiles.

I miss my family…by brother, my parents…and the ones in the house with me. Even though we are here 24/7 with each other, I am missing them…or missing the need to miss them…something like that.

I want to be more active. I want to go to sleep at a decent hour and wake up early to start the day fresh.

I’m sick of tv and movies.

I miss my husband and partner in life. Yes, he is right here, but also not….something like that. We haven’t been on the same page for a lot of things lately…wires getting crossed and sometimes just not connecting.

I hate that being this close in proximity actually is keeping distance between us.

Then there are the good cries.

Walking out in our neighborhood, our county really and just being outside in nature.

Seeing the good in people and humanity, sometimes in person, and many times on social media.

When the girls jump in bed with us spontaneously or they give random hugs and kisses without me asking.

Waking up early before anyone else and just sitting with the quiet.

When Trevis feeds my excitement about plants in the house like I have been lately. Especially the window sill in the kitchen.

Walks with Slider, our faithful dog, older now than any of us.

Creating art, sewing, writing…sparking my ideas…my head so full of ideas.

Walks with friends.

Drives with the family…our last trip was to Big Sur. That was the only one so far, and hoping we go on a few more day trips before school starts and some kind of work.

Getting the mail. Ask the girls or Trevis and they will even tell you that I love to go out to the mailbox and retrieve the mail…even if it’s junk.

Tea outside on the patio that Trev created. It’s really pretty out there and I know he is working hard at getting the back done too.

I have cried at every single one of these. I’m tired. I’m happy. I’m sad. I’m grateful. I’m unsure.

I know what I need to do…all the positive, half glass full stuff…I am actually pretty good at that. But I needed to just dump and come face to face with the now. No pity for me; hell, there are people going through so much more worse than I can even imagine.

I am thankful for the good and the bad-can’t have one without the other.

Just feels good to get it out. I will no doubt cry after writing this, and I will cry over watching The Sound of Music for the 100th time as I finish writing this.

I will always be a crybaby.

10 Comments

  1. I think what you are going through is grief. Like it or not, when we have a job outside the house and overnight, it effin suck. Like SIP, it’s sudden and swift. Some have lost their loved ones and never had a chance to say good bye in person. You may not have lost someone you loved, but you still suffered a loss. You ride the high by staying positive and keep going, that’s denial. You curse this unfair world and wanting someone to blame for what happened to you, that’s anger. You keep yourself busy with searching for yourself, watching TV, reading books, spending screen time, walk in nature, that’s coping. At some point, you will learn to forgive and love yourself again. Whatever that may look like, happy, sad, motivated, shitty moods, it will all settle itself down and at the end of the day, you are good enough. That is acceptance.
    You are my oldest and best friend on this planet we call earth. I wish I could drive down and just give you a hug. We are living the latter parts of our lives now. Be kind to yourself friend. Behind every dark cloud is a rainbow. It’s not waiting for you to discover, it’s just there when you are ready to enjoy it. You are good enough my dear dear friend.

    1. Rani…I’m loving that you started a blog!! Something I’ve wanted to do for a few years now…and here you are rockin’ it!! Congrats!
      What a lot of change my dear…and crying is a natural human response as Emily so eloquently put…and there is only change…it’s the only predictable element, that things will change. We don’t know why things initially change, but when looking back, you’ll get the ah-ha moment that you couldn’t get there without leaving here…that’s your journey, and yours alone, but you’re not alone…ever.
      All I know, and learned us that you have to let go to move forward…and we hold on so tight to the things we see as our “identity” because we’ve worked so hard for them…our jobs is a great example….and you are already realizing you’re not your job…but you miss it, and the people and doing something proficiently and contributing to the household income.
      I ask myself quite often “what am I learning in this moment”…I’m being given this moment for a reason, what am I learning…? Sometimes the answer comes easily…sometimes not. If I don’t get the lesson, I guarantee I’ll get it again and keep getting it til I do say “Ah-Ha”. I get it now.❤️

    2. Thank you Emmer! Somehow I knew you would get to this first. And yup, crying again, but because I love you and I love our long friendship and looking forward to giving you a hug and just hanging with you.

  2. Thank you Emmer! Somehow I knew you would get to this first. And yup, crying again, but because I love you and I love our long friendship and looking forward to giving you a hug and just hanging with you.

  3. You are creating something special with each post on your blog. I find keeping a blog to be a wonderful thing to turn to when it’s needed. I love the idea you present here of an uncanny sense of missing, even missing people who are right there with you.

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