I have had more cries over the past few months than I have had in years.
Good cries, sad cries….just a lot of tears.
I guess I wasn’t nicknamed crybaby for nothing when I was younger. At fifty, I seem do just do it more.
What am I crying about? That is a loaded question.
Loosing a job I loved. Realizing I am more than my job and now having to find myself again.
Having a hard time finding job. Having a hard time finding me. I know I am not my job, but I am also not earning income, contributing to the family, contributing to the world around me.
We are all on screens more than I would like, including me.
I miss people, interactions, traveling to visit people.
As much as I appreciate the point of wearing masks, and always will when I visit businesses, and will always respect others who do as well, I miss seeing people’s smiles.
I miss my family…by brother, my parents…and the ones in the house with me. Even though we are here 24/7 with each other, I am missing them…or missing the need to miss them…something like that.
I want to be more active. I want to go to sleep at a decent hour and wake up early to start the day fresh.
I’m sick of tv and movies.
I miss my husband and partner in life. Yes, he is right here, but also not….something like that. We haven’t been on the same page for a lot of things lately…wires getting crossed and sometimes just not connecting.
I hate that being this close in proximity actually is keeping distance between us.
Then there are the good cries.
Walking out in our neighborhood, our county really and just being outside in nature.
Seeing the good in people and humanity, sometimes in person, and many times on social media.
When the girls jump in bed with us spontaneously or they give random hugs and kisses without me asking.
Waking up early before anyone else and just sitting with the quiet.
When Trevis feeds my excitement about plants in the house like I have been lately. Especially the window sill in the kitchen.
Walks with Slider, our faithful dog, older now than any of us.
Creating art, sewing, writing…sparking my ideas…my head so full of ideas.
Walks with friends.
Drives with the family…our last trip was to Big Sur. That was the only one so far, and hoping we go on a few more day trips before school starts and some kind of work.
Getting the mail. Ask the girls or Trevis and they will even tell you that I love to go out to the mailbox and retrieve the mail…even if it’s junk.
Tea outside on the patio that Trev created. It’s really pretty out there and I know he is working hard at getting the back done too.
I have cried at every single one of these. I’m tired. I’m happy. I’m sad. I’m grateful. I’m unsure.
I know what I need to do…all the positive, half glass full stuff…I am actually pretty good at that. But I needed to just dump and come face to face with the now. No pity for me; hell, there are people going through so much more worse than I can even imagine.
I am thankful for the good and the bad-can’t have one without the other.
Just feels good to get it out. I will no doubt cry after writing this, and I will cry over watching The Sound of Music for the 100th time as I finish writing this.
I will always be a crybaby.